Conservative quackery and Santa Claus
Posted by James McPherson on December 20, 2013
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope your appreciation of the season hasn’t been dampened by recent controversy involving those wildly popular but oft-misunderstood bearded guys.
No, I’m not talking about “Daddy Duck” Phil Robertson and the other guys of “reality” television’s “Duck Dynasty” clan, as I see no need to join the discussion over whether clan leader Phil Robertson is a homophobic racist or just a committed Christian (other than to point out that those who claim that Robertson’s free speech rights are being violated are clueless about the First Amendment).
I’m more interested in the controversy involving those other bearded guys — Santa Claus and Jesus — whom a defensive and “very, very blonde” professional spokesmodel Megyn Kelly brought into Fox News’ annual weird, wacky, hypocritical and ultimately pointless (except to fire up viewers and drive up ratings) “war on the war on Christmas” by insisting that both were white guys.
Not surprisingly, Kelly was wrong about both Jesus and the inspiration for Santa. (Incidentally, Bill O’Reilly has now declared the war over, making himself the commanding general in a Christian victory, and the “war on Christmas” is just a subset of the equally ludicrous (at least in this country) “Christians are persecuted” meme, anyway.)
The “white Santa/white Jesus” discussion continued over several days (not much real news before the holidays, apparently), and I actually heard someone on television question whether we even know Santa’s gender. I’m not making that up, though I wasn’t in front of the TV and so don’t know who said it.
- Santa is beloved, despite his obvious weight problem — in fact, people leave Claus milk and cookies, rather than leaving an obnoxious note saying, “Lose some weight, fatso!”
- Santa spends a lot of time in a “workshop,” and apparently has a thing for toys.
- Santa needs a Rudolph Guidance System to make it through the fog and finds every house — despite no record of having ever asked anyone for directions.
- Mommy was spotted kissing Santa Claus.
- Santa stays out all night on the night before a holiday.
- Claus apparently hasn’t had a wardrobe update for decades.
- Santa has been accused of being a “peeping Tom,” spying on people while they’re sleeping.
- Santa prefers to do things the hard way — i.e., going down the chimney rather than simply using the spare key hidden near the door.
- Santa postpones delivery of gifts until the last possible moment — and then frequently gives you something that someone who really knew you would never give.
- Many people write to Santa, but he never writes back.
I report; you decide.